Just a lot of stuff going through my mind tonight.
I just blogged about supper.
My son already cleaned up the kitchen and took out the trash. Now he’s downstairs playing on his Xbox.
My husband just gave himself a breathing treatment and is now reading.
I hate cancer.
When my husband was diagnosed seven years ago – yes, it’s been that long – it was scary. But then he had his right kidney removed and we felt as if it was over. Yep, he had scans every six months and things were good for a few years. Four years to be exact.
But then the cancer came back.
Nobody told me that kidney cancer comes back. It typically comes back within three years.
We were blessed with an extra year.
But now we’re faced with this monster on a daily basis. He sees his oncologist every month; he takes his chemo pills daily; he’s tired all the time.
Life is touch and go. I don’t always know which way I’m supposed to be going. Forward some days and some days I feel like I’m going backwards.
I need to be strong. For my son’s sake as well as for my husband. Thankfully I have family and friends to love me and help when I ask for help. It’s hard for me to ask for help. In fact, last month, my husband is the one who called my brother and asked him to help out. My brother came as quickly as he could, to help take care of my mom after her eye surgery.
There are books for brides-to-be. There are books on how to decorate your home….tons of cookbooks to buy and try out (ask me, I should know). There are tons of books on how to get pregnant, how to be pregnant, what to name the baby, how to raise the baby….but there are not very many books on how to watch your husband struggle with a terminal illness. Nor are there many on how to help your teenager (almost 14) watch his dad struggle on a daily basis.
I hate cancer.
Thankfully, God is here with us. Some days it doesn’t feel as though He is around, but if I can still myself, I hear His voice, telling me to relax because He is in control. He knows what’s going on. Those days when all I can do is cry, He hears me and He understands and He knows what I’m praying for, even when I don’t.
Thank You, God.